Being 20

Being 20, a few months back, has crossed a significant milestone for me. It is the beginning of adulthood or at least the preparation. But am I ready to take on the challenge of being an adult? well i still have a youthful face and it is difficult to show that 'im no longer a teen so treat me more maturely'. Since i was young, i have always thought ahead of how i wanted to live my life, right down to how my future house would look like. i always wanted to be known as a compassionate person and a loyal friend who would give up everything just to save the relationship. but i have yet to find a person that i could do just that. i hate to face rejection and saddness. Most of all, i dont want to lose my dignity.i also had a thinking that if i am good to people, they will be good to me in return. however, i have discovered this false thinking horribly 2 years back. right now, i trust animals more than humans. im willing to give up time and money to help animals at spca or house of rabbits. they need me more than anyone else would and they would love me more than ANYONE would in their whole life!

nearing exams

exams is here again...the time when i disconnect myself from the world and hide in a little corner in my room to soak in the knowledge i should know. it is also the time for unexplained pimple outbreaks and sudden crave for caffienated drinks. i feel locked up although i could very well get up from my seat and ignore the looming exams. but i jus cant. i dont want to throw away my future because im jus plain lazy. i cannot fail expectations of ppl around me...they see so much potential in me but somehow i let them down. jus take my A level results. I very well knew i couldnt cope since the beginning of year 2. i wanted to give up jc life and jus enter poly to my fav. course. but doing things halfway is just not myself. now, my A levels results has determined that i should venture into a totally different arena in order to survive. life is so practical, money always goes before emotions. i have shut down my emotional side in order to survive in this world. i can no longer feel myself. things have become jus numbers in economic sense. but it doesnt make any sense to me. im an emotional person who thinks with my emotions. how am i to survive? im soo sick and tired of material wealth that i have contamplated being a nun. but are there mountains in singapore? then again, it would be impossible. you will be labelled as a useless citizen because there are already lack of skilled manpower in singapore and losing one would be tragic. how can i face the govt when they have given so much to me? although i have always hated the fact that they rather let foreigners into local uni instead of potential scorers like me who made a mistake in choosing JC route. now tt im in uni, ill need to prove spore govt that they have wrongly rejected a good student like me. it's back to studies now.

my first blogging experience

usually i love to keep things to myself. Not that i really like it, but i jus feel that no one would actually be interested to listen to wad i have to say. now that i have set up my own blogging space, i hope i can be more open to myself about my feelings and use this blog as an avenue to express my unheard thoughts in cyberspace. It's time for me to let the world know my story, my thinking. im typing this at midnight. i shouldn't be doing this because loads of work is still left undone. but today, i feel a sense of lost. I have missed out on something so important in my life. It has always been there but somehow i chose to overlook it or maybe even ignore it. im guilt-ridden. it refers to my Chriistian faith. ive witnessed many of my peers getting their baptism and confirmation. yet i have delayed my confirmation for about 4 years now. it is not really wad i want, but i jus lack the courage, the motivation, the time(is this an excuse?) to go ahead with it. sad...